Pedestals

I find myself forming relationships with my friends' moms as of lately.

It's a bit odd for me in that I always thought if a young person had an extremely close relationship with someone older than them who wasn't a parent then something must be missing from the relationship they had with their parent, be it mother or father.

I've always had relationships with older men, mind you platonic, fatherly type relationships. Of course that stems from a lack of communication with my father and craving that closeness.

However with women it was a different story. I never could get close to another woman, be it a girl my age or an older woman. Sure there were those who looked out for me and wanted to take me under their wing, but I never strayed far from my mom.

And now, it seems like I'm suddenly someone my friends' moms try and keep in touch with and I find myself doing the same. You want to know the funny thing though?

These "moms" are moms of guys I've come across the Internet.

Beyond scanned photographs, they've never laid eyes on me.

And they know this (of how me and their sons met). In fact, one mom tried for months to get me and her son to "hook up {laughs}."

But that's beyond the point.

I remember exactly where I was when the image I had of my perfect mother was shattered, therefore causing me to venture for the first time, in search of a saint.

We were at her job. She, one of her friends and I were sitting around talking. I don't remember what it was, but I know it was something personal and the conversation between my mom and I got heated very fast. I was mad at her for something stupid, but then my true frustrations came out, namely about her and the few men she was dating at the time (one of which said some very inappropriate things to me {I was 16 at the time}).

I never wanted her and my father to get back together, yet at the same time I also wasn't prepared for her selfishness and "needs" in the relationships she had. It threw me for a loop when she implied that she was simply using the men she dated.

Secretly, I never forgave her for that comment. I thought she was a better, stronger person than that. And I know it happens all the time and you can see this display of selfish behavior plastered on any daytime talk show, but this is real life. This is my own mom.

After that I unknowingly closed myself up to her for awhile. No personal thoughts escaped. No dreams or wishes. I barely spoke to her.

Pedestals are a very dangerous thing.

Placing people on them when they aren't asked to be put there can cause quite a bit of heartache when the stand is swept from underneath their butt. Your world is turned upside down and the person you thought you knew and loved is now a traitor in your eyes and you both have to work twice as hard to try and rebuild what you once had.

Not to mention it isn't very fair, to either of you, but especially to them. They know they aren't perfect.

As I know I'm not. And being told by someone I love that I am 'perfect' is frightening because one day I'm going to mess up. I'm going to hurt them in such a way that they won't ever look at me the same. And that scares me more than anything.

I'm trying to climb down the pedestal while he's grabbing my ass and pushing me up.

I want to scream: Look at me; I bite my nails. I hate make-up and dressing up. I'm NOT rail thin. I DON'T have a flat stomach. I forget important things. I drink too much caffeine and eat too much junk food and not enough "real" food. I'm lazy about exercising sometimes. I don't sleep enough. I'm not as smart as you think I am.

I'm human.

Random thought of the day: cocoa butter

History Lesson

I've made lists of events that happened on a particular day for my friend's birthdays and included them in their birthday cards.

Most have found the lists interesting and even a bit "cool," so I figured, Eh, why not do it for myself?

So here we are, a list of events in history on this, my (25th) birthday:


*1996: Bomb explodes at Atlanta Olympic Park, 1 killed, 110 injured

*1993: Mafia bombs historical buildings in Rome/Milan/Vatican City, 5 killed

*1990: Zsa Zsa Gabor begins a 3 day jail sentence for slapping a cop

*1988: Boston's worst traffic jam in 30 years (Pfft . . . come to Houston!)

*1979: France performs nuclear test

*1977: John Lennon is granted a green card for permanent residence in U.S.

*1969: Pioneer 10 launched

*1965: President Johnson signs a bill requiring cigarette makers to print health warnings on all cigarette packages about the effects of smoking

*1959: William Shea announces he plans to have a baseball team in New York City in 1961

*1954: Armistice divides Vietnam into two countries

*1949: 1st jet-propelled airline, De Havilland Comet, flies

*1947: Yogi Berri starts record 148 game errorless streak

*1945: U.S. Communist Party forms

*1940: Bugs Bunny debuts in "Wild Hare"

*1919: Chicago race riot, 15 whites and 23 blacks killed, 500 injured

*1909: Orville Wright tests 1st U.S. Army airplane, flying 1h12m40s

*1888: Philip Pratt unveils 1st electric automobile

*1862: Hurricane hits Canton; about 40,000 die

*1844: Fire destroys U.S. mint at Charlotte, North Carolina

*1837: U.S. Mint opens in Charlotte, North Carolina

*1789: Congress establishes Department of Foreign Affairs, State Department

*1694: Bank of England granted 12 year charter by Act of Parliament

*1586: Sir Walter Raleigh brings 1st tobacco to England from Virginia

*1365: Isabella of England marries Enguerrand of Coucy at Windsor

*1298: Albert I, son of Rudolf of Habsburg, crowned Holy Roman Emperor

*432: St. Celestine I ends his reign as Catholic Pope



Random thought of the day: What? Are you kidding me? It's 4:44 a.m.! It's too damn early in the morning to be thinking of anything! And it's my birthday! As it is most of this post was cut and paste!

Heh

i am sad

I find myself using my thumb to gently caress the edge of a book, a water bottle, my other hand . . . my cheek.

He told me his buddies have to literally drag him away from the part of the yard that overlooks the front of the building.

We're over 1600 miles apart and yet, we can't stop hoping that maybe one of these moments we'll look up and see the other's face.




Random thought of the day: The past nine days.

Runaway

I'll be on hiatus for the next week and a half.

Here are some things I've found myself saying over and over again as of lately:

"It's MY decision."

"You don't know what I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't know if I can go through with this."


And just as of yesterday: "Thank-you."



Random thought of the day: 1 more week!!!

Vacation

As of three hours ago I am officially on VACATION for the next two weeks.

That is all.



Random thought of the day: 9.5 more days!!!

Survivor: The Mall

I despise malls.

Seriously.

They aren't what they used to be. And being the summer and all it's filled with tanned college students with too many credit cards and not enough to do; so if you're over the age of twenty-two with a job you look out of place.

It almost feels like an episode of Survivor with different challenges in order to obtain the immunity stick.

My goal was to buy a dress {mutters}. So after trying several department stores in the area I was forced to make the trip to the dreaded mall.

(I swear every time I even SAY that word I hear the song from Jaws going off.)

So I walk into . . . THE MALL . . . in the middle of the day and immediately I feel like I've walked into Hollywood. Not that I've ever been to Hollywood or California in general but I'd imagine it to be filled with beautiful people*. The guys have sun bleached hair and walk around in knee length khaki shorts with sandals and polo shirts with little alligators or crocodiles on their shirts and the girls wear calf length ruffled skirts and fitted tank tops, also adorning sandals on their feet, usually pink or silver and they MUST be sparkly. Their hair is usually up in a messy ponytail, pulled away from their face. And EVERYONE is wearing those plastic bracelets with the phrases on them that Lance Armstrong made famous.

Whoever says eugenics is no longer practiced has obviously never been to . . . THE MALL.

Hitler would have fun there.

Moving on, so as I'm walking through the major stores I have to go through the small colony of make-up counters in order to get to the clothes. And us girls who actually PREFER to be natural know what it's like walking through the make-up counters at department stores.

{Cue the Jaws song.}

The whole thing is in slow motion.

It might take thirty seconds to walk through the area, but it FEELS like thirty minutes.

And you're naked.

And everyone is whispering and judging you.

"God, if she'd just let me get my hands on her I KNOW I can do wonders for her face."

That was one of the thoughts I overheard yesterday as I was walking through the coyotes (make-up 'artists' they call themselves).

I kept telling myself: Do not make eye contact. Once you do, they'll see that as an opportunity to wrap their tentacles around you and suck you into their world.

And I was doing fine until I thought I heard a familiar voice and I looked up and, "Oh Fuck!"

I caught the eye of this Fabio look-alike, only thinner, with black hair and a gay accent.

He was talking to his female counterpart and when he laid his eyes on me she turned and caught me too. I had that whole deer in the headlights look going on.

Luckily I was nearing the clothes and as soon as they opened their mouth I RAN for it.

Literally, ran!

It's great exercise at . . . THE MALL.

And they have music too.

Speaking of which, what's up the club music in . . . THE MALL? I know they're trying to create an 'atmosphere' and such, but seriously, who wants to dance while they're shopping? If they want us to dance and have a good time they should have an open bar!

However, in . . . THE MALL at least you don't have to worry about some salivating guy with his limp dick in his hand making goo-goo eyes at you while he drones on about his gout problems as I seem to encounter in some clubs.

Moving on to the next challenge: the guys in all courtyards of ALL malls who try and get you to switch your cell phone service providers.

Again, as with the make-up people, the key is to avoid eye contact.

I was given six different pitches yesterday, two times were from THE SAME guy.

When I told him he had already asked me to switch he replied with, "Oh, you just look different."

"I let my hair down."

Idiots.

So anyway, after six hours of mall walking and trying my damnedest to find a decent dress and managing to find a skirt and blouse that worked together I hightailed it out of there.

Only to get rained on.

Four shopping bags filled with three pairs of shoes, a skirt and blouse and a smoothie in one hand and I got rained on.

*Shakes head*

{If you want to read more about the luck I have try looking at this.}

However rain's never really bothered me, nor getting wet ('scuse the innuendo) so I shrugged it off and went about my merry way. Besides, I made it out of . . . THE MALL and without the need of an immunity stick!

* By "beautiful people" I mean by Barbie Doll standards.

Random thought of the day {Okay, so maybe it's isn't SO random any more}: 12 more days!!!