Enter-View With a Blogger

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to my first installment of interviews. Today's Enter-Views is with a dear old friend of mine whom I've come across this wacky little thing we call . . . The World Wide Web. Like everyone he has a story to tell and today he will enlighten us with a closer look at the man behind the blog.

Me: So Johnny, we've known each other what? Three years now. We've gone through quite a bit together: family losses, moves, new jobs, school, etc. Is there anything I don't know about you?

Johnny: {I was} once {a} dominant pop star who now likes to hang out (and more) with the kiddies.

Me: Wow! I never would have guessed that about you. Such a confession here. Are you sure you want to say these things here? Where everyone can see them?

Johnny: Not sure what to say about this one. Not enough space here.

Me: Okay then. So we'll change the subject. Tell me, how do you feel about being gay?

Johnny: Great for human development and treatment of diseases.

Me: Wait . . . what? {Scratches head} No, dude, I said BEING GAY, not BenGay. Gawd, anyway, as you know, everyone seems to be against that whole situation of gays and lesbians wanting to be legally married. Some gays and lesbians have gone as far as trying to create their own private island in order to make their own laws.

Johnny: So take me away. I don't mind. But you better promise me . . . I'll be back in time. Gotta get back in time.

Me: In time for what?

Johnny: Capturing a sliver of life, history, time. These things help me remember.

Me: Help you remember what? {Pause} No never mind. Forget it. Tell me, what's with that really cool scar on your forehead? Did you get that while filming a movie?

Johnny: Eh, what do I know about this?

Me: Umm . . . that's why I asked you.

Johnny: The world with all its hi tech communications is still forgetting how to communicate.

Me: Ye-e-a-a-h. So tell me, how do you feel about being in the tabloids? I mean, you're all over the place, picture splattered on every front page of every major magazine. Are any of the stories true? Are you and Macaulay Caulkin long lost brothers? Were you secretly married to Joan Rivers?

Johnny: Secrets can be weapons and they can represent trust. Be careful who knows your secrets.

Me: {Sigh} Look, if you're still mad because I told that guy about that surgery you had I swear . . . I didn't know he was a reporter for {tabloid name removed}. Nor did I tell him that when your last book flopped that you were living on the ferris wheel in Dollyworld.

Johnny: As the saying goes, there's no place like home. You have everything you need there. Though you may want to venture off, you can always go back home.

Me: Wow, I didn't realize you were so deep. {Wipes a tear from her eye} Even after the roller coaster of events, no pun intended, you still remain rather optimistic. How do you do it? How do you remain such an inspiration to so many people?

Johnny: I find this word is thrown around too often and with no regard these days. I, of course dream about heroic acts now and then but will I ever get to act them out? Will I ever have to act them out?

Me: There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Big questions from a big presence. My friend Johnny Angel, allowing us an intimate peek at the life behind the man. Err . . . that's a whole other story. Regardless, an incredible in-depth interview. I want to say thanks to my friend for his time and patience. I only hope that this interview has cleared up a few misconceptions anyone may have had. Stay tuned to my next installment of Enter-Views where my guest will be my neighbor Patty who joys down secret love letters to herself and tells everyone they're from the mail man. Until them, keep blogging and be fabulous!



Random thought of the day: Heh. Yeah, I know.



* My friend never was or is gay. He does not do ill deeds with little children nor did he ever have a sex operation (that I know of anyway). Enter-Views is all done in fun and the above statements were given permission to be publicized.

Heh. I've been cartooned.

Tyler Gabrielle

My brother and his wife came into town a few days ago. I haven't seen him in almost two and a half years. His wife's mother is throwing them a baby shower tomorrow. I won't be able to attend because of work, but here's something I wrote in the card for the baby:

"Tyler Gabrielle,

You have a long life ahead of you Sweetie. One day you'll grow up and realize that you have everything you've ever wanted. In the meantime, do know that it takes a bit of work and patience to get to that point. Whether you want to be famous, cure a life threatening disease or perhaps live your life differently than what others wanted for you, do know it is your life. No one can live it for you. However that doesn't mean your friends and family won't be there to support you. We love you; now and always. Make us proud, have fun and more importantly . . . be happy."


And I got her this. Hopefully it's something she'll hang onto for quite awhile.




Random thought of the day: "We are not defined but what we do. What defines us is how well we rise after we fall."

Numb3rs

Half the numbers on my keyboard don't work.

I go to press them and . . . nothing.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't use most of the numbers in an assorted number of passwords I use when logging on to my email/messenger/blog account.

I spent hours trying to fix the problem, going so far as to taking apart my keyboard, cleaning the keys and running all kinds of scans and shit. My last resort was to call a friend of mine who has helped me several times when I have computer problems.

He wasn't home.

So I spend my day doing other things.

Then it dawned on me . . . keyboards have two sets of number keys: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0.

Heh.

I am the type of person computer technicians hate. The kind that look for the "Any" key when asked to "Press any key."

*Blank stare*


I'm still waiting for Microsoft to hire me.



Random thought of the day: I am NOT too old to play on the moonwalk!

'To Do Soon' List

1. Get my tubes tied.

2. Locate a Bible and find what page it says that self check-out machines in local grocery stores are evil and should be banned.

3. Buy socks.

4. Cut feet off said socks.

6. Umm . . . learn to count.

7. Learn Avril Lavigne songs by heart and sing them proudly at random.

8. Buy paper and ink cartridges.

9. Neuter my cat.

10. Fly a plane.

11. Go skydiving.

12.Tell my younger brother's wife what I REALLY think about her.

13. Get drunk before I attempt # 12.

14. Stop making lists.



Random thought of the day: Learn to keep my mouth shut. And when that doesn't work, piss people off!


* Originally posted @ 2:11 a.m. but due to something beyond my control this post had to be recovered at the current time.

Automatic Police Service

We had a slight situation at work yesterday afternoon. I won't go into too many details other than to say it involved a somewhat disturbed man who, after a few minutes ripped off his shirt, a few female co-workers not wanting to go outside and a scam.

Our boss walked out our place of business to try and deal with the man, but quickly walked back in and told one of my co-workers to call the police. I'm standing with him as he dials and after what seemed like an eternity someone picked up, put him on hold and we stood there waiting.

Which got me to wondering what it would be like if the cops had their phones set up the way so many businesses do. Imagine having to go through an automatic service before finally reaching a "real" person on the other end. Imagine calling in to report someone trying to invade your neighbor's home:


"Hello, you have reached the Branch County Police Department. Please press '1' for English. Apriete el número '2' para español."

*Beep*

"Please insert your home phone number, area code first, then press #."

"8-0-0-5-5-5-7-8-2-7-#"

"If you know the crime that is being committed please press the corresponding number:

Press '1' for aggravated assault.

Press '2' for arson.

Press '3' for auto theft.

Press '4' for burglary.

Press '5' for homicide.

Press '6' for kidnapping.

Press '7' for larceny.

Press '8' for robbery.

Press '9' for sexual assault.

Press 0 for murder.

Or press '*' for a list of other options."

*Beep*

"You have chosen 'burglary.' By definition burglary is the unlawful entry of a structure to commit a felony or a theft.

A 'structure' is considered to include but not be limited to the following: apartment, barn, cabin, church, condominium, dwelling house, factory, garage, house trailer or houseboat (used as permanent welling), mill, office, other building, outbuilding, public building, railroad car, room, school, stable, vessel or warehouse.

'Unlawful entry' is defined as forcible entry, no force, attempted force.

The act of 'forcible entry' is defined as gaining entry by the use of tools; breaking windows; forcing windows, doors, transoms, or ventilators; cutting screens, walls, or roofs; and the use of master keys, picks, unauthorized keys, celluloid, or other devise which leave no outward mark but are used to force a lock.

'Non-forcible entry' is achieved by use of an unlocked door or window. The element of trespass to the structure to commit a theft is essential to classify the act as a burglary.

Attempted forcible entry occurs when a perpetrator is frightened off while entering an unlocked door or climbing though an open window to commit a theft.

If the crime you are calling about can be defined as burglary please press '#.' If not please press '*' and you will be redirected to a list of crimes."

*Beep*

"You have pressed '#,' please hold while we direct your call to one of our operators."


Then before you know it you hear the first verse of a Melissa Etheridge song on the phone: Come to my window/ Crawl inside/ Wait by the light of the moon/ Come to my window/ I'll be home soon.

As you're holding you peer outside the window to check up on your neighbor. You see him running out of his home in his boxer shorts, farmer's tan showing, shot-gun in hand and his rottweiler right behind him. He runs up behind the guy trying to climb in his window and shoots him in the ass. The guy falls, screaming at the top of his lungs as your neighbor orders his dog on him.

"Hello, this is 'Sharon' with the Branch County Police Department, please give me the address of the home being invaded."

"Well Sharon, I was calling to report my neighbor's place being burglarized, but it looks like he found out and has now shot the guy in the butt and pushed his dog on him."

"Oh, well it looks like you need another department since your neighbor's home is no longer being invaded."

"Wait, but I was holdi . . . "

"Please hold."


Then comes the elevator music again and you're rerouted to square one.

"If you know the crime that is being committed please press the corresponding number:

Press '1' for aggravated assault.

Press '2' for arson."


Quite simply . . . it's a lot easier to just settle things ourselves.

It could be worse.

We could abuse the police or emergency numbers like some people.



Random thought of the day: Turtles make good beds.

"Hi. You've reached Chris . . . I'm screening your calls."

My mom has four different approaches in handling a missed call by each of my four brothers. Keep in mind three are out of state (two on the east coast, one on the west) and the other lives 75 miles south of Houston.

The oldest: We come in from running errands late in the morning and I check the messages and tell her {oldest brother} called. I hand her the phone and ask if she's going to call him back. She kind of walks away and mutters something about him probably being at work.

"But in his message he said he was off all day. This is the second time he's called this week and you missed both calls."

She goes on to say how she's uncomfortable calling the apartment because she doesn't want to talk to his girlfriend. Said girlfriend is MUCH older than he is.

"You don't have to. Just say 'Hello' then ask for {oldest brother}."

"I'm busy cooking dinner now."

Interpreted as: "Quit prompting me to call your brother!"

Second oldest: (West coast) "Mom, {brother} called." She proceeds to call him back, no matter what time of day it is. When she reaches him he tells her he'll call her back because he's with a client or out eating. He calls back shortly. They have a short chat before it's interrupted by one of his friends coming over. He tells her he'll call her back again. A week later he calls and the cycle is repeated until they get into an argument about something stupid and he doesn't call again for another couple months.

Younger: (east coast) Now, with him she practically knows when he's going to call. Thursdays during 'Smackdown,' and on the weekends, when he knows she's not there, but he calls anyway because of a guilty conscious, usually caused by Thursday evening's chat. He's a lot like I am in that we do what we want to do, to hell with anyone else who disagrees with us, including our parents. With this said our mom tries to butt in with her views and opinions, never mind what may be working for him. Of course, I don't agree with everything he does, especially when it comes to that wife of his, but I know he's old enough to make his own decisions. Besides, he's the one that has to live with them, not me. Anyway, so they usually get into their own little 'Smackdown' via the phone and she starts to get to him, quick Italian temper we have, and he ends the conversation with, "I'll call you later." BAMM.

Course, as I said, he'll call back on the weekends, when he knows she's not around and we'll shoot the breeze awhile before he has to go to work and when the parental figure gets back I tell her he called and try and get her to call him back. It usually works and they're fine by the end of the weekend.

The youngest: (east coast) He's a bit of a sporadic caller. If our mom misses his call she'll call him back right away. He usually gets to hear the brunt of everyone else's phone calls from our mom. Poor kid hardly gets a word. He usually ends up emailing me and telling me to tell her 'Hi' for him. Not that he doesn't get along with her or anything but he's able to say more via email. Our mom always asks for him when she speaks to his older brother but he's always at work or out or something.


When I was away from home I always made it a point to call when I knew my mom wasn't home or when she was on her way to work. Trust me this is hard to do when there's a time difference. I love my mom, I really do, but sometimes the conversations are a bit awkward when you're being asked if you're eating right, is your father taking care of you (Mom, I'm 22, not 7), and if you've made any new friends (read: boyfriends).

This is why I love voicemail. God bless the man who invented it. And you know it was a man because as a woman I know how long winded we can be and I don't blame men for wanting to tune us out half the time. So when I reached my mom's voicemail when I knew she wasn't there I'd tell her all she needed to know in a nice little, neat message:

"Hey Lady it's me. Just calling to say hey and whatcha' doin'? I'm about to go to my Photo class. I had dinner a while ago and I'm stuffed. Some friends of mine invited me to Salt Lake City for the weekend so if you call I won't be here. We're splitting a couple rooms. And yes I have money. Anyway, I need to go. Love you, miss you, bye."

Heh. There you go . . . She knows I'm eating, I met people, I'm attending class, and I'm not completely broke, yet.

It's funny how some of us crave conversations with one another and at times we can stand not to talk to others for months and months at a time. I'm the same way with each of my brothers as I know they are with me. Which is why I love the idea of leaving messages. I don't have to talk directly to them if I don't want to, yet I don't have to feel guilty if I don't call at all. Missed phone call? Pfft . . . Their fault, not mine, I attempted. My part is done.

Heh.

Oh come on . . . You know you're the same way.




Random thought of the day: (Because I can never say it enough to those around me) Happiness is a lot like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.