Sandman where you at?

I'm bothered.

{Then again when am I not?}






I'm not one for writing down my dreams. For one I can almost never remember them. And two it's always seemed like a lame way for me to fill up a journal. When I can remember them I'll tell a friend or two, but lately, for some strange reason I've been having nightmares. And they aren't your usual 'boogey man' type nightmares either. All of them have me in a real life, everyday situation.

Of the ones I've had I can vaguely remember four over the course of the last month and a half. The first one is actually a repeat of another dream I've had before, months and months ago. In it I can see myself laying down in the grass of a median in the street. I'm just lying on my side watching all the cars whiz by when this one car stops. A guy leans out of the driver's side window and asks me a question. I ignore him (he asked me something crude). And before I know it he's out of his car and on top of me.

This is where I woke up the first time I had the dream.

However a week ago, when the repeat continued it got as far as me trying to fight him off. I remember him smiling at me and him telling me, "Baby I don't wanna hurt you. But I will if I have to."

I was angry. And I was fighting as hard as I could. Not a single sound escaped my lips.

I didn't scream for help.

I didn't cry.

I didn't beg for him to stop.

Nothing.

Finally, I had the opportunity to stop him and I started to go for it.

But then I woke up, my right leg lifted, bent at the knee, prepared to kick the shit out of the man between his legs. Though I couldn't see my hands as it was nearly 2 a.m. I'm sure they were white; they were gripping the sides of my hammock so tight. Hair was damp, as was my shirt and my heart was beating so fast. When I woke up again later that morning I saw half the stuff I usually keep on my nightstand on the floor: my alarm clock, a small picture frame, a small wooden instrument a friend at work gave me.

Apparently I put up one hell of a fight.

I don't remember my second dream in as much detail. I do remember watching the dream through my own eyes, and at the same time being a participant, unlike the first dream. I remember picking up the phone and some man talking to me like he knew me and then asking for my buddy Anna (her debut in any of my dreams) from work. She talked with him a bit, really friendly like before hanging up. I asked her something and she went on about some 'big' project as she began to cut up paper bags.

She lined them up, one next to the other and wrote, in black marker, a letter on each bag: J-O-H-A-N-N-E-S . . . I'm not sure if it contained the 'burg' at the end. I woke up before she finished.

I know this dream was hardly a nightmare, but it still bothered me for some reason. I've never been to this town in South Africa, nor do I know anyone from there.

A couple days ago there was a rat in my dream. Like the first dream I was watching myself interact with people and things. I don't remember where I was or who I was with. I might have been alone.

There was a rat on the ground, squashed, sort of like when you see roadkill in the street and it looks like it's been run over a few dozen times. Anyway so I'm talking to someone in the dream when the legs of the creature start wiggling around and I freak out. It moves over to a white sheet of paper. Apparently the paper was of importance to me, homework maybe.

I go to pick it up by the edge of the paper and the rat crawls on my hand.

And this is when I wake up. Hand held about my head, ready to fling the imaginary rat off my hand.

Despite the situations though, the one that's bothered me the most was the dream I had last night. Again I was an active participant in the dream, seeing everything through my own eyes while talking to everyone else.

It started on a street in some dark alley, near one of those metal trash cans. The first thing that happens is someone gets shot.

Mind you I'm talking to this girl, not even two feet away from me, when she gets shot. And at the time she was VERY pregnant!

I catch her before she falls, her hands around her belly, my hands there as well, trying to keep the blood from coming out of the hole in the left side of her stomach. I can remember holding my hands up to my face, seeing all the blood. I nearly freaked.

But then, just like a movie the scene changes and she and I are on a beach, in our one pieces. And for some reason the girl is blind now. But I say to her, "Come on, let's run along the beach."

And off we go, sprinting before we turn a little and dive into the warm water.

And that was all. The only other thing I can remember was the first half of that dream took place in black and white while the latter was in color.

I rarely dream in black and white. I know that's supposed to mean something but I don't recall it right now.

And the fact that she got shot in the stomach and (I'm assuming) lost the baby is what's really bothering me. Because . . . well, I can't explain it. All I know is if it's pertaining to me in a way I think it is that's going to cause me to question my beliefs (not that I have a strong hold on those anyway) and ah, I dunno.




Random thought of the day: Stay awake!